Sunday, May 29, 2011

A little this and a little that...

I don't trust onions that don't make me cry. White onions are too mild. Vidalias however, Niagara falls over the cutting board. A squirrel that will not run from me when I go to chase it away from my bird feeder deserves a good ping in the butt from a pellet gun. Too many peace love and happiness types in the city to make my squirrel problem go away on the hush-hush. You can't even smack a kid for breaking into a car without some overweight hippie in a tie dye threatening to call the cops. Imagine if I made a squirrel assume room temperature? This is how my morning train of thought has gone so far.

But church was right on was all about not letting opportunities pass you by without making the most of them. I have some possible career decisions to make over the next few days. Pretty good timing I would say. Anybody have any life-changing questions they need answered? I'll be in pretty tip-top shape, mentally, for the next several minutes or so.

The onions are now in a quiche which is about 20 minutes away from being done. I threw some mushrooms, ham and provolone in as well. Fresh chives will garnish the top. The gym work starts again tomorrow so I might pull out the Clamato and make a red-cup Bloody Mary then watch the rain soak fresh Basil and Parsley plants that patiently wait for a good dose of sunshine in our living-room window box.

Eli and I went on a nice walk so he could relieve the excitement he contained for about 20 minutes while watching the squirrel eat my dang sunflowers. I wish the Mongrel could climb trees so he could seize the opportunity to rid St. Paul Avenue of a pesky squirrel or two. Hippies won't yell at dogs will they?

Also on my agenda for the day is picking a new John D. MacDonald to read. I ordered a couple non Travis McGee novels online. He is a brilliant writer. My boys from the Irish Brigade turned me on to him and I will be forever grateful.

Now it's time to go eat some quiche and meditate on some opportunities...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

This is Getting Ridiculous

How long will it be before everything we own has a tracking device inside it? If only stalking was an accepted is so easy now. In days gone by one had to put in a lot of legwork and be very discreet in order to discover the routine of an object of affection. Today, you don't even have to leave the house!

During my first year of college I saw a girl in a play and instantly became enamored with her. The program told me her name but her bio gave me very little information to work with. I waited around after the show to see what she looked like up close. I tried to think of things to say that would make a good impression but I was only eighteen. That was a long time ago. I was no where near as smooth then as I am now, which I know is very hard for some of you readers to believe. 

When Lady K came out of the theatre building my heart started pounding even more than it did when she first stepped out on stage. I had to meet her, but I couldn't muster up the gumption to say hello or congratulations or anything. Rather, I leaned back against some doric column and watched her head off into the night with a small entourage. But then a few months later I saw her walking down the street....

During those few months I had not forgotten about her at all. My inept ways had kept me pretty much dateless so Lady K was still the one I dreamed about at night and during Geography class. Seeing her walking down College Avenue had to be serendipitous; I was not to let this good fortune pass by without putting in some effort to meet the lady who had consumed my thoughts for countless hours. So I pulled over into the nearest open parking spot and waited. Just before she passed by I slid down in my seat and made it look like I was trying to pull a Whitesnake cassette tape out of my player. Luckily she did not notice me before turning down some forgotten avenue a few blocks away. Being the Sam Spade of stalkers I pulled out into traffic and followed after her. It was not long before she stepped off the sidewalk and onto the walkway that lead to a quaint brick bungalow. With the number of the house solidly memorized I whipped the car around and headed to the nearest flower shop. I returned, an hour later with a bouquet of white daisies and babies breath and a beautifully penned card that included my phone number. It took a whole lot of deep breaths for me to park in front of that house and walk to the door. After I knocked an elderly couple opened the door and smiled at me. I told them I had a delivery for Lady K. They said she lived in their basement apartment and they would make sure she got the flowers. I turned and hurried back to my car before my face exploded from the heat that was filling my cheeks.

Two hours later Lady K called me and agreed to go on a date. Over dinner at the Old Ebbitt Grill in Washington D.C. she asked me how I knew her address. I told her the whole story. I told her how I saw her in "Little Shop of Horrors," was dying to meet her, then saw her, then stalked her, then got her flowers. Instead of getting up and hitting me with a big shot of pepper spray she actually folded her hands and put them under her chin and smiled. She said she was absolutely flattered by the effort I put into tracking her down. Our first date was great and we went on several more. In fact, we almost became boyfriend/girlfriend but then I found her in bed with the Head of the Theatre department at MWC. 

At one point in time stalking was not such a bad thing then like everything good somebody had to ruin it by taking things too far. Nowadays it seems that technology isn't helping keep people's privacy safe. The news has been reporting a lot of unnerving stories about everything from Google saving every search you have ever typed into your computer, Iphones tracking your whereabouts, and now the New York Times reports that packages of electronic cigarettes will now alert users when someone else who smokes electronic cigarettes is within 50 feet. Isn't this a form of electronic stalking? Something does not seem right about this.

Are these electronic cigarette devices necessary? E-smokers don't exactly blend in to the woodwork. Personally, I find these particular brand of folks, when in bars and coffee shops, to be the most annoying people in the room. Just go outside and have a Camel Light! Now their cigarette packs are going to light up and buzz? These things cost 80 dollars and they also report information back to Blu, the company who makes them. When is enough going to be enough?  

The evolution of technology has me a little on edge. I don't want Apple to know that I went to Home Depot, Tipre's Hardware, and Walgreens to buy birdseed. AND...I don't want two e-smokers in the same bar I am drinking in. Go away choppers! If you are going to smoke man up and smoke some real Carolina tobacco. I think it's almost time to get rid of all these confounded devices and go back to typewriters, rotary phones, Pall Malls, stationary and intelligible customer service agents to answer our questions about consumer products. My old days weren't so bad...but back then there was no

Monday, May 2, 2011

How We Project Ourselves Effects Many...

When I first heard the news last night I too wanted to celebrate. I wanted to run out in the streets with a 40 wrapped in a paper bag and dance a jig with my fellow Americans. But then there was the whole thing about celebrating death that made rethink my reaction to Bin Laden assuming room temperature. I thought about my own reactions to other people's reaction to death so I decided to just sit back and quietly sip a glass of red wine with Grace and the mongrels. I said a silent prayer of thanks that justice had been served for all those affected by Al Qaeda then I slipped in a quick request to please let NeNe survive another week on Celebrity Apprentice...

While contemplating the news last night I remembered watching television 10 years ago and seeing people dancing in the streets after thousands of people had been killed on 9/11. The anger that grew within me was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Thoughts of retribution against those revelers raced through my mind. I thought of driving right over to the recruiters office and signing up to be a sniper. I dreamed of mixing the flying powers of Superman with the wardrobe choices of Batman and morphing into SuperChip (my nickname at one point in my adolescent years) and singlehandedly executing swift justice on all Islam with Toby Keith playing in the background...and that is why I would have made a poor harbinger of justice.

I got caught up in the incendiary newscasts and declared war on the masses that were different than myself.  At the time I had a very good friend who was Muslim and often visited me in Oxford and I pretty much figured our friendship was done. Thankfully, my wits returned to me as soon as I stopped watching television and went back to trying to love my neighbor as myself. Seeing people celebrate death on television was tough to endure and made it hard to live and think as I should.

What we project from this country might have the same effect on people overseas. Yes I am glad justice was served for all who died in New York, Pennsylvania, and Virginia and I am enjoying the success of our President and the brave ones in the armed forces. If I had any money I would send cases of tenners to the heroes who risked their lives in Pakistan. But when it comes to the reality at home I have to turn the channel when I see impromptu festivals in the streets. Such behavior is as negatively effective as the reveling on 9/11. Ideally I would want America to take the higher road and set an example as the world watches from all points on the compass. I am down with the enjoying the victory of this particular battle but let's save the keggers for when the Bulls win the NBA championship this year!